JK (grue) wrote,

oh the pain...

I am in such pain.

My left hand, wrist and lower arm hurts so bad I can't take it anymore. I hope I'm not getting carpal tunnel. I've been reading about it on the net and most, if not all of the symptoms are exactly like what I'm going through.

It has been progressively getting worse over the course of a month. It seems there is no position that takes away the pain. I've been eating ibuprofen like candy and even some Vioxx that was left over.

Oh God... please... I can't go through this now. Please, dear God... not now.

I have so much to do at home and at work. This would be the worst time that this can happen. Damn this hurts. Really hurts.

I've been holding in a lot lately... trying to be strong. Trying so hard not to let my wife and kids see how our situation is effecting me. But I'm losing it... I feel like I'm losing ground. For so long I've been treading water... fighting... being the strong one... but I so want to quit. To sink would only hurt for a few seconds and then it would be over.

I feel like depression has returned to be my friend again. I can't get a brake. The harder I try to do what is right... what is good... what my father would expect of me... the more I get pushed deeper into the shit. What have I done to deserve this?

I have been told that God is not cruel... that God will not give me more than I can bear. I watched my daughter receive her confirmation this past week. My heart was torn... for one part of me was so proud that she accepts God so eagerly into her life... and another part of me questions why some are made to suffer. Are they made to suffer as a sign to others that we must maintain our faith? That even through the darkest hour... when we feel that we cannot take another step... when we cannot stay afloat... that we must believe... and He will raise us from our depths and hold us in His arms and wipe away our tears. How can I see this? How can I know what to write here... to say such things... but feel in my heart that I am one to fall to the bottom?

i'm tired

my heart is turning dark

i fear what i am becoming

apathy and dispair... can you have both? I hurt so bad right now.

As I sit here, I rest my wrist on the edge of the desk to type... slight twinges of pain shoot up my arm, but this pain is so much easier than what I go through with other things I do. This is a vacation from pain... a jolt now and then is nothing compared to the constant ripping pain I receive when trying to support myself to stand up... as I lean on my left hand to stand... the movement of my fingers causes my wrist to fold... the searing intensity is too much. I have dropped items today because of this torture.

I'll call the doctor tomorrow. And I know when I go see him, the pain will leave... and I'll be made to be the fool. Why is it the day you get your haircut is the day your hair looks the best? Your toothache fades when you walk into the dentist office... raining after you wash your car... a touch of Alanis' isn't it ironic... don't ya think.

So do I surrender... do I give in... do I talk to him again and ask for something stronger this time? I'm tired of the fake smiles... the false emotions... it takes so much more effort to wear the mask then to show what you feel... and I can't let them down.


i am so tired

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